Insecure-No HBO

Calling All My Lovelies *Bruno Mars voice* !

This message was on my heart today. Like literally I think the Holy Spirit took over with this one because I would NOT have approved this message!

When I was younger I  was very insecure about not being able to keep up with the latest fashions. Because let me tell you about my very Jamaican mother that did NOT believe in wasting money on Jordans every damn month. It was either you have food on the table or you get Jordans. She did not believe in spending a fortune on name brand clothes that we were eventually going to grown out of. So CLEARLY I I had to wait until I turned fourteen (14) when I was able to start working, so I could buy my own Jordans and name brand clothes! And because I was so scared that my baby brother was gonna get teased about his clothes or shoes in school, I bought him Jordans and clothes with my lil’ $4.75/hr paychecks. Fast forward to my adult life where I barely ever buy clothes that are NOT on the sale rack because airplane tickets are CLEARLY more important! Additionally, I cannot tell you the last time I bought a pair of Jordans. Life will teach ya!

However, I think my insecurities OFFICALLY showed up uninvited once I started high school. It was all downhill from there!

Throughout high school and college, my friends were more developed (physically) than I was. I was always (in my opinion) the skinny, kinda cute, dark skin girl. It literally took me 32 years to weigh OVER 100 pounds! Yes you read that right. And because I am petite (5 ft), I ALWAYS look way younger than I actually am. I hate when people tell me I look like a baby. Like yes I know i have been living in this body for 33 years. But thanks! *rolls eyes*

Guys would always try to talk to my friends before they spoke to me. I would always end up being my homegirls “cool” friend. But I was so used to it because to me it made sense my friends looked grown as hell and in my head I felt they were prettier than I was. I remember posting a group picture with me and about three (3) of my other friends and my BFF said to me “you look like you are the little sister that had to tag along for the night”! It’s funny  thinking about it now  because I really did but I was so mad at him back then that I did not speak to him for weeks! But I had no reason to be mad, he was just stating his opionion and if I was as confident in myself then as I am now, I probably would’ve told him to STFU along with a few other curse words of my choice. 🙃

My college years is when I started partying heavy and I used to damn near be naked at these parties because I felt it was the only way to compensate for the fact that my friends could just wear a simple fitted dress and look amazing because their bodies were amazing. Stupid right? I know! But I look at it this way, I have a lot to teach my future daughters about self-love because hating yourself can really destroy you.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

Don’t even get me started with how I thought acne was going to literally be the death of me when I was younger. I would not want to go to school/work because I did not want to show my acne filled face. Actually there were days I would get dressed to go to work and then get downstairs in my lobby, looked at myself in the mirror, and then bring my a** right back upstairs! I literally just got my acne under control a few years ago. I don’t even know how, but thank God for Jesus because that was a struggle!

Anyway, I think I have shared enough. I’m starting to feel naked 😩.  I say all this to say, everyone has insecurities but you have to learn how to conquer them by practicing self-love.

Writing this, laying all my past insecurities out on the table is not easy and actually makes me pretty damn uncomfortable but it’s necessary because I see how much I have grown. It took me so many years to begin loving myself. I was so hateful and bitter before. I was always miserable and moody. Just a mess! I had to love myself through it though.

Now when I feel insecure about something, I force myself to deal with it head on. I absolutely HATE smiling (real hard) in pictures. Like if you can see damn near all my teeth in the picture, I hate it! But do you see the picture of me in the header of my home page smiling? The fact that I did not like the picture when I first took it and how uncomfortable it made me feel looking at it, is how I knew I had to face it head on. I also set that picture as my profile pic on my Instagram and Twitter page. Now I am forced to see it all the time and I love it. I began forcing myself to post pictures in which I am laughing because I had to learn to embrace all the parts about me that I don’t necessarily like. I also hate pictures that are all up in my face because I feel like people can see into my soul! But here I am in the feature image of this blog post with the camera all up in my personal space!

This new haircut? Man listen, after I got home from the salon that day I was in my bed curled up in the fetal position wondering why I decided to ruin my life like that!

This how I looked in bed after I chopped all my hair off.
But because I did not like it, I forced myself to love it. That meant no wigs, no weaves, no extensions. I looked at my mirror and told myself “You are not taking the easy way out of this, so you better get used to it!” Guess what? I cut my hair shorter since then! check me out! *2 snaps*. Short hair makes me feel free and less confined for some reason. But because I like to switch up my hairstlyes I am sure I will be getting a new wig or adding extensions in the future but absolutely not until I fall in love with my hair again!


Moral of the Story: Force yourself to love the parts of yourself that you may not like and be comfortable in your own skin. Stop comparing yourself to others.

“No one is you and that is your power.”-Dave Grohl


Ciao,

Bella

PS. I was a guest blogger for a blog called How Not To Travel Like A Basic Bitch. I did a feature on #TravelingWhileBlack. If you haven’t read it yet, you can check it out here!

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